Heavy heart

Last night I received the bad news that one of my friends had died. No details other than that his body was found at his house. Without really knowing more than that, I was a bit shaken- but a little removed from my emotion. After learning what I have so far today- I would give anything to get back to that detachment. He didn't just have a heart attack, or fall, or some other random twist of fate- he was beaten to death. My hands can't stop shaking. My head can't process this and make it easy for my good memories to comfort me. Beaten to death. I keep hearing that phrase in my head and I am screaming to myself. How could one of the nicest people I have ever met die that way? I know there are stages of grief I could chart. I know that there is senseless suffering in the world. Still- I wallow in my sadness. I am not going to ask why or how. I am not going to ponder what if's. I know in time I will come to terms with it. For Robin the pain is over. For me it's just sinking in- and honestly I am a bit surprised. I think that it is more than the sudden nature of it, it's also the brutality that truly disturbs me. That a person who lived his life helping everyone he met- came to such a violent end. According to recent reports, it is appearing that the murderer was someone Robin had attempted to heal. And in a bizarre twist- this man is someone I met. Years ago I was told that he was once the fraternity brother of one of my closest friends. He also built another friends deck- before his addictions truly ruined him. For almost a decade, various people I know did their best to keep him alive. One friend even helped him get into rehab twice. As his spirit was consumed by his demons, and he became more of a slave to drugs- that group of friends had to cut him from their lives. It was after a long time surviving in the shadows of society that by chance he met Robin. One of Robin's greatest qualities was his compassion. He could not ignore anyone in need. His selfless contributions to his community are numerous. This time, however, his good intentions set him in the path of someone more monster than man. It's hard not to come away from this questioning the futility of charity. But unlike those people who wear their good deeds for all to see- it was Robin's nature to support any and all. After my assault and car theft last year, I went through a period being completely desensitized to the violence I had endured. I somehow removed myself from the situation, and had a hard time remembering exactly what happened to me. I guess I did that in order to move on with my life. I trivialized the night. Made jokes about being hit and tied up. It wasn't until I started noticing how I seemed to find myself in harms way more and more that I realized I needed to own what happened to me. It took the concern of a very good friend to shatter my illusions. I'll never forget the fear and despair wash over me as I admitted that I was not okay. The man I was- the first person to insist "I'm fine" was very close to a breakdown. Coming through that period, I learned the importance of confronting the awful things that might happen in life. I have a clue or two as to why his death is bringing all of that time back to me. Now, more than ever, as my city is caught in the grips of an alarmingly violent culture. It is so important to look at it honestly. Each new notch on the murder board is more than a statistic. It was someones son or daughter, lover, father, mother- you name it. Each of them had so much more to contribute to all of our lives. If we do anything to honor their memory- it is to make sure that their death becomes their greatest contribution. At this moment, I am not sure how to make sure Robin's death makes a difference- but I will do my damnedest to find out. Thanks for letting me get this out of my head.

I had wanted to include a song that made me think of Robin, but his country music loving was a constant source of ribbing between us! To hear his singing Reba, hehehehe- I tear up now. It was like Harvey Fierstein discovered whiskey and karaoke on the same night hehe. Instead, I will share a song I find helps me at times like this- another sweet man who left too soon-