Ode to John Waters

I could just love him for writing "Davenport. Dawn Davenport! I'm a thief and a shitkicker, and, uh, I'd like to be famous." as one of Divine's lines in "Female Trouble". Or when in "Desperate Living" he had Mink Stole walk in on her two young children playing doctor yelling "SODOMITES!!!!". And then there's the whole "I'll get you Pussyface!" ransome style note that Kathleen Turner sends to Mink in "Serial Mom"- that shit changed my life. For the better part of a year I anonymously harassed a bartender at the Pub by writing that on a napkin and slipping into his stack every week.
A little over two years ago I had the pleasure of bartending a private party thrown in his honor. Like the little boy in the Rosy Grier commercial meeting his idol and tossing him a cold one after a hard game- I was able to share the Pussyface note story with THE John Waters! He laughed and told me that over the past 15 or so years- at the most random times, there would be a message on his phone "Are those PUSSSSSSYwillows in your garden?" in that deep marlboro red and draino voice of Kathleen Turners hehehe. Hell- I could love him for that story alone too!
Hot shit? Where is this going? Where is this coming from? I was just browsing through the local newspaper, looking for movie times, and came across an interview with none other than - John Waters! Apparently he is involved in the upcoming Tennesee Williams festival next week in New Orleans and got the chance to plug his new TV show as well. (He's hosting a show on- get this- COURT TV!!!! It's called "'Til Death Do Us Part" and profiles marriages that ended in murder hehehe). Anyway- here's what I love in this interview, and about John Waters- at the end of the piece, the reporter tries to persuade John to abandon his hometown and perpetual movie setting- Baltimore, for New Orleans. John's response:

"I really come to New Orleans just to see the dancers at the Corner Pocket."

The end hehehehe- I can just imagine that reporter upon hearing that line hehe! For those of you not in New Orleans- a little frame of reference here- the Corner Pocket is a bar in the Quarter where hustlers, runaways, and other down on their luck young men can earn a buck or two by dancing on the bar in their underwear and allowing someone's grandpa to touch their pee pees. In short- it's a honey of club- come on down, I'll take you there!

I love that he said this- not only because it's totally true, when he left that party he told everyone it was time to walk to the Pocket. But also because he just fucking said it hehe- can you imagine 50, 30, or even 15 years ago- a famous movie director telling a newspaper reporter that the only reason he came to that particular city was to fondle young boys at a gay bar?! I bet John Waters would have if someone had asked him back then hehehe!!

Enjoy some of my favorite clips of his!!!

I just love old comics hehehe

You can win the GOP nomination without Satan's help, but it's not easy

The following is copied in total from the Borowitz Report:


I Won’t Back Gingrich, Says Satan

Former House Speaker Loses Longtime Supporter


In what many political observers consider a bruising blow to a potential 2008 White House bid by Newt Gingrich, the former Speaker of the House lost one of his longtime supporters today when Satan announced that he would not support a Gingrich candidacy.

For the normally reclusive Prince of Darkness, the decision to hold a press conference at the Washington Airport Marriott to reveal that he would not be supporting Mr. Gingrich struck many as extraordinary.

Dressed in his traditional red cape and carrying a smoldering pitchfork, Satan stated in no uncertain terms that he would be withholding his endorsement from his former colleague: “Not only am I not supporting Newt, I am giving his soul back.”

Satan’s announcement was particularly hurtful to the potential G.O.P. presidential candidate because, in the words of Gingrich supporter Tracy Klujian, “Newt and Satan have worked so closely in the past.”

According to a close associate of the Prince of Darkness, Satan’s rift with Gingrich stemmed from the former House Speaker’s decision to confess that he had had an extramarital affair with a staffer while pursuing the impeachment of then-President Bill Clinton for having an extramarital affair with a staffer.

“The fact that Newt confessed it to Jerry Falwell really ticked Satan off,” the Satan aide said.

Gingrich supporter Klujian remains hopeful, however, that the breach between the two infernal colleagues can somehow be mended: “You can win the G.O.P. nomination without Satan’s help, but it’s not easy.”

Elsewhere, President Bush kept expectations low for his tour of Latin America, telling reporters, “I never got good grades in Latin.”

See ya later Irish Afro

I will never forget when my hair went from mostly straight and wavy to full on curly. It was Class Picture day when I was in the 5th grade. Remember how to keep you quiet in line, the photographer would pass out those cheap combs, so that you had one last chance to groom yourself? Like the rest of my classmates, I waited my turn while continually pulling my new comb through my hair. The finished portrait resembled some kind of genetic experiment crossing Donald Trump with Crystal Gayle- a blown out pompadour with a mind of its own and no end in sight. So began years of horrible haircuts, tantrums, tears- you name it. The barbers didn't seem to know how to cut my curly hair any differently than they did the straight- so I always ended up looking like a shorn lamb. My mother found this to be insanely amusing. To aid her son, she lent her hidden stylistic skills to the cause. Meaning, every 3 to 4 weeks, we would have a knock down, drag out fight that left both of us crying while she butchered my locks. I was 14 and did not understand the whole "don't piss of your waiter before you get your food" principle. There were times when we would start the process in a fight, and I would end up without bangs. Other times, when she forgot that she couldn't multitask, she would be on the phone, and I would look like I slept near plutonium. Things did not get better until we both realized that I needed serious hair support. No more $2 cuts from the barber, I had to begin shelling out the $20+ for a "hair stylist" now.

Cut to 20 years later- I have grown to appreciate my hair over time. In fact, you might say that I like it most of the time. I still wish that I had straight hair- so many possibilities- but ahh well. Which makes it all the more puzzling as to why I am so gung ho for St. Baldrick's Day!

St. Baldrick's Day? With a name like that- it must have something to do with drinking right? I mean- that is what I thought when I first heard the term. As I found out- it is only a drinking event in the sense that- like most things I participate in- I will not be the only one tying one on, but apparently it's not required. St. Baldrick's is a foundation which raises money for children with cancer and aids. Participants solicit donations for having their heads shaved. And I, on a whim, have signed up as a participant. From the 30 seconds I spent reading the flier, to the additional 15 seconds while washing my hair in the shower- my decision to go under the razor was deliberated upon by all of the voices I maintain a home for upstairs. Within 24 hours of announcing my intent, I had raised close to $400.00. With a response like that, and with a cause so worthy- I am afraid I have committed to a path that will have me bald at least once a year. Hell- if all it takes is me getting a closer cut than usual to provide money to a charity- I am cool like that. I am barely using what I have up there anyway- I am hardly beating the boys off with a stick- so I doubt how my head looks the next month or so will spoil any potential!

Here is the link to my page- help the kids!

"I told you once you son of a bitch- I'm the best that's ever been"

With Mardi Gras a fuzzy memory- Live Music Season is underway with the culmination at Jazzfest this spring. My concert going was kicked off March 1st with Justin Timberlake and Pink at the New Orleans Arena. I had no desire to attend this concert when my friends bought their tickets. I like some of Justin's songs, but not enough to go see him. I am however, enough of a fan to gladly accept an extra ticket. My friends sister was unable to attend due to the tornadoes in Alabama, so at the last minute I got the call! I full on expected to be surrounded by 12 year old girls, sorority chicks, and gel drenched queens- so I finished off my Mardi Gras Jaeger and head out the door. My estimation of the crowd was not far off- only the number of youngsters was much smaller than I anticipated. Perhaps their parents had a clue that this would be a mature themed event- "Future Sex/Love Show" doesn't really sound like Up With People. I didn't see a note of Pink's performance- apparently the Human Resources Department of the New Orleans Arena believe the saying "Hire the handicapped, they're fun to watch"- because the bartenders were having a hard time making a beer. I will set the scene- it is a major sporting and musical venue, and it is in New Orleans- there are drink stands every 5 feet. The lines were longer for them than to get on the buses after Katrina. And they moved just as slowly. It took 40 minutes to find out they didn't have any vodka. Undaunted, I went with the Crown- warning any in ear shot that I am not the nicest Bourbon drinker. I am not going to do a full on rundown of the show. The long and the short of it- I was impressed by Justin- he has a great voice, terrific stage presence, etc. The layout of the concert was also really well done- with the stage set in the center and interesting light and camera work to insure that no matter where you were sitting- you had a great seat. The only drawback of the concert is unfortunately a big one. I knew going in that there were going to have to be many songs that I did not know- because he's only released two albums and I"m only familiar with the bigger releases. Whoever was responsible for the song list and more importantly- the order in which they were played- totally dropped the ball. One of the reasons that I enjoy concerts- especially when put on by bona fide performers- is that I love the build up of excitement and energy in the crowd. Justin would rock out a few songs, get everyone jumping, and then abruptly tone it down with a ballad. He repeated this throughout the show- to the point that by the time the concert ended- at least a third of the arena was vacant. There was no sustained rush at all in the 2 hour or so show. Usually when I leave a concert- I am pumped up and excited- no matter how much or what I am drinking! I was ready to leave well before the show ended and even before hearing some of my favorites. We did stay though- saw it to its final song- and left disappointed. A real waste of talent and presentation.

I didn't think that I would have an opportunity to make a comparison to JT so soon- but then I remembered Billy Joel! Last night we saw him at the same arena with very different results. I will preface with a bit of history- having been an impressionable young boy in New York in the early 70s, I feel like I have always known Billy Joel. He was a hometown hero to all of Long Island, and his songs have been a part of my life's soundtrack since day one. I have been fortunate enough to have seen him twice before this- once on his own, and then on the great tour with Ms. Elton. It's been a long time since I have listened to much Billy- but as I found out- those songs are second nature. The basics- Billy has always let his talent, songs, and band be the focus of his live performances. While there are lighting effects throughout- they really didn't add to the evening at all. In fact I kept wishing I had my tanning goggles because I was continually blinded by the blasts from the stage. His first few songs were ok- some more recent songs that I don't think I had ever heard. Since I couldn't sing along I took the time to check out my fellow concert goers- who knew that Billy Joel had superfans?! The row behind us was a bunch of early 20s dudes who were cheering for Billy like he was a sports star. WOOT WOOT WOOT BILLLLLLAY- and singing EVERY word to EVERY song. It was nuts. Then there was the mildly retarded couple who plunked down next to me. They had made a sign that said "We Love You Bily" (yes, it was missing the other L) in really scary serial killer handwriting- that was wrapped with tracklighting. Not only were they mildly retarded- and I am not just saying that for laughs, they really were challenged- they also proceeded to get wigggggity wasted over the course of the show. Just about every other song they both set the blinking sign in the seat next to me, and got new drinks- each of them were double fisting- in one hand a beer and in the other a daquiri. The booze not only made them very chatty with me (which you know I fully encouraged hehehehe) but also extremely amorous and handsy with each other (which I also fully encouraged). At one point when they were walking down the stairs to get another round, she fell down into another row and he tripped over her leg and went ass over tea kettle to the bottom of the aisle. I was in hysterics as other more responsible people attempted to help them up hehehehe!

Now I know that catalog wise, there is no way on Earth that Justin could compare to Billy. But let me tell you- when he started to play his hits it was exhilarating. 10,000 plus people dancing, singing, and reliving every song- it was so much fun. The high point in all of this for me- at least music wise hehehe- came during his encore. When he started "Scenes From an Italian Restaurant" I almost started crying. Long having been my favorite Billy Joel song, I knew he wouldn't disappoint and omit it. I thought I was either going to lose my voice again or get decked I was singing so loudly. He wrapped up with "Piano Man" and led the arena wide sing a long that shook the rafters.

All in all a pretty good start to what is shaping up to be months of exciting music. Next is either The Bangles or The Isley Brothers at the House of Blues- not sure offhand. Don't forget to go to www.nojazzfest.com for lineup, tickets, etc. and be sure to let me know of any good stuff you hear about!!!!

Belated Oscar Menu Recap

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Belated Oscar Menu Recap

I know- I have really slacked ass in the update department. Quite the track record for the first two months huh? Am I like the dude who gets big time freaky the first few dates so that you let it be known you are off the market for him- only to find all of those mind numbing blowjobs in dressing rooms, etc- are distant memories? Hellllll no- first of all- I never let up on the freak- SHIT- the more I know about someone the better I can play them until they have a constant twitch in their starfish. I can see now that I should have planned a bit more ahead for the total breakdown that is Mardi Gras. Who was I kidding going to write new posts during it?! I know of many wonderful, entertaining New Orleans based bloggers who kept diaries and pages up to the minute during the insanity. I guess I am not that kind of correspondent. It was all I could do to get out to those parades every day and knock back that case of champagne. I know that if I let my haul of beads suffer at the expense of maintaining timely updates here- my resentment of the internet would be an unholy catalyst to bring back the dark ages. For crying out loud- I have invited you all to see Mardi Gras yourselves- I can barely remember details for my alibis- you alllll know this about me. I would threaten to withhold invites for next year- but who would I be fooling? I would love to have a full house any day- but during Mardi Gras- HELL YEAH! I am not going to fly blind one more year! Blind drunk? Of course! But I am already back in the Zone. Planning for Carnival 2008 is only a threat at most krewes this early- but Doo Doo is keeping it real! I have already started sketching costumes baby! I have my first crop of wigs due to arrive in a week! Blaine "Mr. Mardi Gras" Kerne? Eat me! 2008 is going to be so sexy you pause. Mark my words- you will pause!

Jeeze- constipation leads to diarrhea like that!! I haven't posted my Oscar night recipes and I have to take a break from typing!! Watch for the update!!